Starbucks announced it’s shuttering hundreds of stores and laying off 900 corporate employees, all while CEO Brian Niccol promises a “cozier” comeback. The Seattle-based chain, once the darling of pumpkin spice enthusiasts, is frothing up a $1 billion restructuring plan that’s bolder than a triple-shot espresso.
Niccol, who’s been steering the Starbucks ship for a year, decided that 1% of its 18,734 North American stores—roughly a few hundred—are as doomed as a decaf order at 7 a.m. “These locations just couldn’t muster the vibe our customers crave,” he said, probably while sipping a $7 oat milk latte.
The closures, set to wrap up before Starbucks’ fiscal year ends next week, target cafés that failed to deliver the “community hub” glow or turn a profit. Apparently, some stores were less “third place” and more “third-rate.”
But fear not, caffeine fiends—Starbucks isn’t just slashing; it’s splashing out on makeovers. Over 1,000 stores will get a glow-up with cushier chairs, more power outlets, and walls painted in hues so warm you’ll forget your $6 coffee is cold.
Meanwhile, 900 corporate workers will get the boot, joining the 1,000 laid off in February, with promises of “generous severance” and a heartfelt “sorry, not sorry” from Niccol. Open positions? Canceled faster than a mobile order during a rush.
Niccol’s grand vision includes quirky menu tweaks, like protein toppings and coconut water, because nothing screams “coffee shop” like a tropical hydration station. The menu’s been trimmed by 30%, but new croissants and baked goods are rolling in, presumably to distract from the chaos.
Self-serve milk and sugar stations are back, because who doesn’t love playing barista with a shaky hand? And those iconic cup doodles? They’re making a comeback, though we’re betting on stick-figure art of crying baristas.
The company even rebranded to “Starbucks Coffee Company,” a move so bold it’s like renaming a dog “Dog Canine.” Niccol swears it’s to “reinforce our coffee roots,” but we suspect it’s to remind everyone they sell more than just vibes.
Baristas, however, aren’t exactly frothing with joy. New uniforms sparked a lawsuit, and complex drinks like the Coconut Water Frappuccino are turning peak hours into a blender-fueled nightmare.
Niccol insists these changes will brew a “stronger, more resilient Starbucks.” But with the stock down 12% and sales flatter than a poorly poured latte, the jury’s still out.
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