A new study from Johns Hopkins has delivered an absolutely groundbreaking revelation: when you ban abortion, more babies are born.
Scientists are now hard at work investigating other major mysteries, like whether eating 10,000 calories a day causes weight gain and if pouring water on your head makes you wet.
The Baby Boom No One Saw Coming (Except Literally Everyone)
The study found that the increase in births disproportionately affects younger individuals, minorities, and lower-income families. Nothing screams pro-life like forcing struggling communities to take on more financial and emotional stress.
After all, if you can’t afford rent, what better solution than adding a screaming, 24/7 responsibility to your life? Problem solved!
Meanwhile, states with already abysmal maternal healthcare systems are scrambling to figure out how to handle this baby boom. Spoiler alert: they’re not handling it well.
In fact, state officials have moved past the “handling it” phase and are now in the “panic-Googling ‘how to raise an entire generation of surprise babies’” phase.
Hospitals are being overwhelmed, social services are running on fumes, and some states are reportedly considering teaching babies to forage for their own food.
Infant Mortality Rises, Texas Sets New Records
Another study found that infant mortality has also increased in states with abortion bans. Shocking, right? It’s almost like forcing people to give birth in places with terrible healthcare leads to… bad healthcare outcomes. Who knew?
Texas, in particular, has taken this opportunity to flex its “Everything’s Bigger Here” motto by contributing to 73% of extra births and 80% of excess infant deaths.
Experts are now debating whether Texas is just trolling the entire nation at this point.
Colorado Becomes the Waffle House of Reproductive Healthcare
Meanwhile, states like Colorado—where abortion is still legal—have seen a massive influx of out-of-state patients, with abortion demand skyrocketing 30%.
Basically, Colorado has become the Waffle House of reproductive healthcare—open 24/7, serving anyone who stumbles in from another state, and always fully booked.
Doctors are reportedly considering installing a drive-thru lane to keep up, where patients can roll up and order a “Number 1 Combo: Safe, Legal Healthcare” with a side of “Why Do I Have to Drive 12 Hours for This?”
Even with expanded access, some patients are still forced to wait longer for care.
Researchers blame the delays, emotional strain, and the general incompetence of the U.S. healthcare system. However, second-trimester procedures have stabilized, possibly due to telehealth, self-managed care, and women just being really, really tired of this nonsense.
The Current State of Affairs: A Mess (Obviously)
As of now, abortion is completely illegal in 12 states, restricted in 29, and fully legal in 9. Those 9 states have essentially become America’s designated Uber drivers, shuttling patients from across the country because their home states have decided bodily autonomy is a little too 21st century for their taste.
Dr. Suzanne Bell, lead researcher of the study, warns that being unable to obtain an abortion has serious physical, mental, and economic consequences.
This is deeply concerning to lawmakers, who will nod solemnly, say they “care deeply about families,” and then immediately vote against paid parental leave, affordable childcare, and literally any support system whatsoever.
So, to recap: More unwanted pregnancies. More infant deaths. More overwhelmed healthcare systems. And lawmakers who are somehow still confused about why this is happening.
Leave a Reply