America’s job market, once hailed as “resilient” and “booming,” is now described by economists as “that old office printer that only works if you kick it.”
New data shows job growth slowed to a crawl in July and August, with economists predicting that if hiring falls any further, companies may start replacing job openings with inspirational posters instead.
The Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) reported that the U.S. added just 73,000 jobs in July, far fewer than expected. Then, in a twist fit for a soap opera, May and June’s numbers were quietly revised downward by a quarter of a million jobs.
President Donald Trump responded by firing BLS Commissioner Erika McEntarfer, accusing her of “cooking the numbers like Hunter Biden’s laptop.” McEntarfer, packing up her office cactus, reminded reporters: “Revisions are literally how statistics work. It’s not a conspiracy, it’s math. Please Google it.”
Trump’s new nominee, E.J. Antoni, was introduced as a man who “will make jobs great again, preferably in coal and typewriter repair.”
“The labor market is showing signs of cracking,” said Heather Long of Navy Federal Credit Union. “Not a red alarm, more of a ‘your car makes that noise, but you’re still gonna drive it to work’ kind of alarm.”
Dan North, a senior economist at Allianz Trade, put it more bluntly: “We’re not saying the economy is collapsing. We’re saying if the job market were a Jenga tower, someone just pulled out the wrong block and laughed nervously.”
According to payroll company ADP, the private sector added 54,000 jobs in August. Of those, 50,000 came from leisure and hospitality. “The economy may crumble, but people will always need bottomless mimosas,” said one bartender polishing glasses while silently Googling “how to unionize.”
Meanwhile, manufacturing, transportation, and education jobs all declined, as Americans apparently decided they prefer “gig work” like delivering sandwiches in the rain for tips of 37 cents.
First-time claims for unemployment rose to an 11-week high, but analysts still insisted it was “reasonably optimistic.” JPMorgan economist Abiel Reinhart explained: “Yes, unemployment is creeping up. But no, we’re not panicking. We call this ‘managing expectations,’ which is economist-speak for whistling past the graveyard.”
The number of continuing claims also ticked higher, meaning more people are struggling to find work. One anonymous job seeker told reporters: “I applied for 47 jobs last week. The only response I got was from Indeed congratulating me for ‘hustling.’ I’m framing that email as my new diploma.”
Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell described the job market as being in a “curious kind of balance.” Experts clarified this means businesses aren’t hiring much, but they also aren’t firing much, creating the corporate equivalent of “that awkward silence in a Zoom call where everyone waits for someone else to talk.”
As for the future, economists predict 80,000 jobs may have been added in August, but caution the figure could be revised later to “literally zero.”
Elizabeth Renter, senior economist at NerdWallet, offered the most optimistic spin: “The good news is, people aren’t being laid off in huge numbers. The bad news is, they’re also not being hired. Basically, we’ve entered the ‘ghosting phase’ of the economy.”
At press time, the Labor Department confirmed that for the first time in years, there are more job seekers than openings. Meanwhile, America’s most popular job posting remains: “Intern needed, unpaid, must have 10 years experience and a PhD.”
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