Looks like Coca-Cola is about to pivot from “soda in a can” to “soda in a trash heap.” Thanks to President Trump’s shiny new tariffs—because who doesn’t love slapping a 25% tax on steel and aluminum?—those sleek aluminum cans might soon cost more than your morning latte.
So, what’s a soda giant to do? Well, apparently, flood the world with even more plastic bottles! Because nothing says “environmental responsibility” like doubling down on the stuff that already clogs our oceans and landfills.
Oh, and let’s not forget their noble sustainability goals: They’ve generously decided to aim lower (literally) by scaling back their recycling targets faster than you can say “climate crisis.” Meanwhile, environmental groups are giving them the award no one wants: “Top Global Plastic Polluter” six years in a row. Congrats, Coke—you’re officially the reigning champ of turning Earth into a soda-themed garbage dump.
“If aluminum cans start costing an arm and a leg, we’ll just stuff more soda into plastic bottles instead!” said CEO James Quincey, casually shrugging off the apocalypse of affordable recycling like it’s no big deal. He went on to assure everyone that packaging costs are just a tiny blip on Coca-Cola’s financial radar—because apparently, running a global beverage empire means you don’t sweat the small stuff (like, say, saving the planet).
In recent years, Coca-Cola tried to play the eco-friendly card by pushing aluminum cans, which, sure, are more recyclable than plastic—but also fancier and pricier. So now, thanks to tariffs, it looks like they’re ready to abandon their shiny green goals faster than you can chug a Coke Zero. Plastic bottles for everyone! After all, why fix the climate crisis when you can just add another layer to Mount Plastica? Cheers to innovation…
Nothing screams “economic genius” like slapping a 25% tax on half the aluminum we use and then wondering why soda cans suddenly cost more than your rent. Apparently, back in 2018, can-makers were clever enough to wiggle out of these tariffs with fancy “exemptions,” but now Trump’s playing hardball: No loopholes, no mercy, no discounts—welcome to Canpocalypse 2024!
And just to really seal the deal on environmental progress (or lack thereof), Trump also decided to bring back plastic straws with the flair of a reality TV star making a dramatic comeback. Earlier this week, he scrapped a government effort to swap plastic straws for paper ones—an initiative started by Joe Biden, who dared to call plastic pollution a “crisis.” Crisis? More like opportunity, am I right? Forget saving the turtles; let’s make sure every smoothie comes with a side of single-use guilt!
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