Donald Trump’s administration is back at it, cooking up a travel ban so expansive it’s basically a global game of “Guess Who?” but with visas instead of funny faces.
According to some sneaky sources and a memo Reuters got their hands on, the Trump team is eyeing a whopping 41 countries for what we’ll call the “No Fly, No Cry” list. Let’s break this down with a chuckle or two, shall we?
First up, we’ve got the VIPs of the ban—the “Full Suspension Squad.” Ten countries, including Afghanistan, Iran, Syria, Cuba, and North Korea, are getting the full “sorry, you’re not on the guest list” treatment. No visas, no entry, no exceptions.
It’s like Trump’s throwing a party and these nations didn’t RSVP in time. I imagine Kim Jong Un scribbling a furious letter: “Dear Donald, I thought we had something special after those love letters!” Meanwhile, Cuba’s probably just rolling a cigar and muttering, “Not this again.”
Next, we’ve got the “Halfway Banned” crew—five countries like Eritrea, Haiti, Laos, Myanmar, and South Sudan. These guys are getting partial suspensions, meaning tourist and student visas are toast, along with some immigrant visas, but there’s a few “maybe if you’re lucky” exceptions.
It’s like being invited to the party but only allowed to stand in the driveway with a lukewarm soda. “Enjoy the vibes from out there, kids!” Trump yells from the White House balcony.
Then there’s the “Shape Up or Ship Out” gang—26 countries including Belarus, Pakistan, and Turkmenistan. These nations are on probation: they’ve got 60 days to fix whatever “deficiencies” the U.S. is griping about, or it’s partial suspension city.
It’s like a reality show challenge—“Vetting Makeover: Extreme Edition.” I picture Turkmenistan’s president frantically Googling “how to impress Marco Rubio” while Belarus just shrugs and says, “We’ve survived worse.”
Of course, this whole thing’s still a draft—some anonymous U.S. official warned that the list could shift faster than a politician’s promises.
It’s got to get the green light from the bigwigs, including Secretary of State Marco Rubio, who’s probably sipping coffee and wondering how he ended up with this homework assignment.
This isn’t Trump’s first rodeo, either. Remember his first-term Muslim-majority country ban? That thing had more reboots than a superhero franchise before the Supreme Court finally said, “Fine, whatever, it’s legal.”
Now, fresh off his January 20 executive order, Trump’s doubling down with “intensified security vetting” to sniff out threats. He’s basically turned the State Department into the TSA on steroids—except instead of confiscating your water bottle, they’re confiscating your dreams of studying in Ohio.
Trump’s been dropping hints about this for a while. Back in October 2023, he was already name-dropping Gaza, Libya, Somalia, Syria, Yemen, and “anywhere else that looks at us funny” as targets. The guy’s immigration crackdown is in full swing, and this ban’s just the cherry on top.
The State Department’s playing coy—Reuters called, but they’re “not home right now”—so we’re left imagining the chaos behind the scenes. Picture a room full of aides with dartboards labeled “Countries We Don’t Like” and a Magic 8-Ball for decision-making.
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