The United States and Ukraine have inked an economic partnership agreement that’s less about hugs and more about rocks—mineral resources, to be precise. The deal, signed with all the drama of a reality TV finale, gives Uncle Sam a backstage pass to Ukraine’s mineral stash while promising to toss some cash into a shiny new Ukrainian investment fund. Think of it as a cosmic barter: sparkly stones for sparkly dollars!
The saga began when Donald Trump, fresh off his White House comeback tour in January 2025, decided it was time to negotiate like he’s auditioning for Deal or No Deal: Global Edition. After weeks of haggling that could make a flea market vendor blush, the agreement emerged less lopsided than a first draft that probably had Ukraine mailing the US its entire Carpathian Mountains. Now, future American military aid counts as part of the investment fund, sparing Kyiv the awkward task of Venmo-ing Washington for past favors.
Trump, ever the showman, hopped on a NewsNation call Wednesday, spinning the deal as his master plan to not look like the guy who brought a kazoo to a symphony. “We get, like, way more than the $350 billion I totally didn’t make up,” he boasted, conveniently inflating the actual $120 billion the US has shelled out since Russia’s 2022 invasion, according to the Kiel Institute’s bean counters. He also recounted whispering sweet deal points to Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky at Pope Francis’ funeral (because nothing says “let’s make a deal” like a solemn occasion). “Russia’s got bigger biceps, Volodymyr, so sign this—it’s a win!” Trump reportedly advised.
Ukraine’s Economy Minister Yulia Svyrydenko, who jetted to Washington to scribble her signature, was quick to clarify: “All the shiny stuff under our dirt? Still ours. The sea floor goodies? Also ours. Ukraine’s calling the shots, and we’re not handing over the keys to our sandbox.” The agreement, she stressed, keeps Ukraine’s subsoil firmly in Ukrainian hands—because who needs foreign landlords when you’ve got black soil and a war to win?
The signing almost didn’t happen, thanks to a last-minute spat over which papers to sign. Picture diplomats frantically flipping through folders like contestants on a game show, only to realize they nearly signed the catering menu instead. Ukraine’s Prime Minister Denys Shmyhal swooped in to save the day, calling the deal “equal and beneficial” and assuring everyone it won’t include a bill for pre-2025 aid. Phew, no retroactive invoicing!
The US Treasury, under Secretary Scott Bessent, struck a surprisingly warm tone, ditching Trump’s usual “art of the deal” bravado for phrases like “Russia’s cruel invasion” and “historic partnership.” Bessent even threw in a zinger: “No war profiteers allowed at Ukraine’s rebuild party!” It’s a bold promise, but with the war still raging, launching new mining ventures might be like planning a beach vacation during a hurricane.
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