President Donald Trump announced he’s gearing up for a Tuesday chit-chat with Russia’s Vladimir Putin to hash out the Ukraine war like it’s a high-stakes episode of Property Brothers.
Aboard Air Force One—because where else would you casually drop geopolitical bombshells?—Trump told reporters he’s feeling pretty chipper about brokering a cease-fire. “Maybe we can, maybe we can’t, but I think we’ve got a shot,” he said, sounding like a guy betting on a long shot at the Kentucky Derby.
The deal? It’s all about dividing up certain assets—which apparently means slicing up land and power plants like they’re divvying up the last slice of pizza at a party.
“It’s a lot of land. Way different than pre-war, folks, believe me,” Trump mused, possibly picturing a Trump Tower sprouting somewhere in the Donbas. Power plants are also on the table—because nothing screams “peace” like arguing over who gets the nuclear light switch.
Over the weekend, Trump claims the negotiation elves were busy, hammering out concessions while the rest of us were binge-watching Netflix.
The Kremlin, meanwhile, confirmed they’re prepping for the big call but played coy about the agenda—like Putin’s planning a surprise birthday party instead of a war summit.
Enter Steve Witkoff, Trump’s Middle East envoy turned Ukraine whisperer, who spilled on CNN that he had a three-to-four-hour bromance sesh with Putin last week.
“We narrowed the differences,” he said, which could mean anything from agreeing on borscht recipes to not blowing each other up just yet. Details? Nope. Steve’s keeping it tighter than a magician’s hat.
Ukraine’s President Zelensky, meanwhile, is reluctantly on board with a U.S.-backed 30-day time-out, though he’s side-eyeing Putin, accusing him of stalling like a kid avoiding bedtime.
Putin’s Friday tantrum—demanding Ukrainian troops surrender in Russia’s Kursk region—didn’t quite pan out. After some epic Call of Duty-level fighting, the Ukrainians moonwalked out of most of Kursk, leaving just a tiny souvenir patch of Russian soil.
So, as Trump and Putin prepare to play geopolitical Jenga, the world watches, popcorn in hand, wondering if this cease-fire will stick—or if it’s just another cliffhanger in the never-ending series of Earth: The Chaos Chronicles.
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