Trump administration asked a federal appeals court to remove Federal Reserve Governor Lisa Cook, claiming she cannot be trusted with America’s money supply because of alleged financial missteps and, possibly, an unhealthy fondness for Monopoly.
The move comes just days before the Fed’s high-stakes vote on interest rates, which Trump insists should be “slashed lower than a Black Friday TV price.”
Officials argue that Cook’s alleged mortgage issues prove she’s unfit to sit on the Fed Board. “If you can’t refinance a townhouse without drama, how can you manage the global economy?” one administration aide asked reporters, while holding a calculator upside down to spell “BOOBIES.”
Cook’s legal team insists the allegations are flimsy. “Our client knows how to manage money,” one attorney said. “She has a PhD in economics, a decade of teaching, and unlike most people in Washington, actually balances a checkbook.”
President Trump has publicly targeted Fed Chair Jerome Powell for months, but Cook became his newest focus after Federal Housing Finance Agency Director Bill Pulte accused her of mortgage fraud. Trump wasted no time.
“Lisa Cook? Never heard of her,” Trump told supporters in an airport hangar rally. “But if she’s not cutting interest rates to zero, then she’s clearly part of the deep-state mortgage cartel.”
Economists fear the political assault could erode the Fed’s independence. Dr. Mark Pessimist of Georgetown University said, “If we start firing central bankers every time the President has a bad round of golf, the markets will panic. Frankly, I’ve already moved my retirement savings into Costco rotisserie chickens.”
Meanwhile, a self-proclaimed Fed insider was overheard saying the fight has less to do with mortgages and more to do with “who gets the last jelly donut at board meetings.”
Another eyewitness claimed Cook once asked if anyone had spare quarters for a parking meter. “That was it for me,” the witness said. “If she can’t plan for parking, she can’t plan for inflation.”
The appeals court now faces the difficult decision of whether to let Cook stay on the board or risk what one analyst called “turning the Fed into a revolving door for reality TV stars.”
In the meantime, Trump has floated several replacements for Cook, including a “very smart guy” he met at Mar-a-Lago who “knows a lot about Bitcoin,” and a “mystery contestant” from The Apprentice who “once guessed the correct price of a refrigerator.”
If Cook is removed, markets expect turbulence. But if she survives, economists warn the bigger crisis may be explaining to Americans why the nation’s financial future was nearly decided by mortgage paperwork and a presidential craving for zero-percent loans.
As one Fed official put it: “At this point, I wouldn’t be shocked if the next rate announcement is delivered via Twitter poll.”
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