PALO ALTO, CA — Tesla’s board of directors unveiled a new pay package for Elon Musk on Friday so ambitious that financial analysts briefly mistook it for a Marvel movie script. If he meets their goals, Musk won’t just be the richest man alive—he could become Earth’s first trillionaire, or possibly the first person legally required to pay taxes with entire countries.
Under the plan, Musk can earn 12% of Tesla’s total stock in 12 separate bundles across the next decade. Translation: if Tesla hits its “super aggressive” goals, Musk could end up owning so much of the company that future Teslas might simply be called “Elons.”
“This isn’t a compensation plan,” explained one Tesla board member. “It’s a hostage negotiation with the universe. If he doesn’t get this deal, he might build his own planet and move there.”
To collect the full payout, Musk must take Tesla’s market value from just over $1 trillion to at least $8.5 trillion by 2035. For reference, that’s larger than the economies of Japan, Germany, and possibly the entire solar system combined.
Musk is also expected to hit targets for share price, operating profits, and production, though the board confirmed these could also be satisfied if he “accidentally invents teleportation.”
“I don’t think these targets are ambitious,” Musk reportedly told friends. “Ambitious would be demanding I colonize Neptune by 2030.”
The package is officially titled A Super Ambitious Incentive Package for a Pioneering, Ambitious and Unique CEO, which critics say sounds less like corporate governance and more like a Valentine’s Day card written in HR.
Tesla insiders admit they worry Musk might leave to focus on his other hobbies: running SpaceX, owning X (formerly Twitter), and occasionally trolling world leaders on social media. “If he walks, all the AI talent will follow him,” warned one director. “And by talent, we mean the interns he convinced to live in shipping containers.”
Analysts are less enthused. “This sets a dangerous precedent,” said financial expert Dan Coatsworth. “At this rate, every CEO will start asking for a throne made of money and a private army of robots just to stay in their jobs.”
Meanwhile, ordinary citizens expressed mixed feelings. “I can’t even get my boss to approve a $500 raise without three forms and a blood oath,” said one bewildered factory worker. “Meanwhile, Elon sneezes and someone hands him a continent.”
Shareholders are expected to approve the deal in November, after which Musk will likely tweet something cryptic like “Trillionaire speedrun begins now.” Economists predict the world will either enter a golden age of innovation—or just get a new Tesla model that runs on unfiltered Elon ambition.
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