Tesla’s board has slapped down a staggering $878 billion stock compensation package for Elon Musk, forcing shareholders to vote Thursday on whether to bankroll the billionaire’s dreams—or watch him bolt to his other galactic gigs.
The proposal isn’t just big; it’s the kind of number that could buy you a small planet, complete with orbiting moons and a lifetime supply of flamethrowers.
Details emerged like a rocket launch from the company’s filings, painting a picture of Musk as Tesla’s indispensable wizard, capable of conjuring self-driving robotaxis and humanoid bots from thin air—or at least from a decade of ambitious milestones.
Hit every target, and Tesla’s market cap balloons to $8.5 trillion, with Musk pocketing a quarter of it. Miss most? He still walks away with tens of billions, because apparently, even partial wizardry deserves a golden parachute the size of a SpaceX fairing.
Nancy Tengler of Laffer Tengler Investments aren’t flinching. “If the stock sextuples, I’m swimming in green—why quibble over his yacht fund?” she quipped, echoing the board’s sunny sales pitch that only Musk can steer this AI armada.
But not everyone’s popping champagne. Major players like CalPERS and Norway’s sovereign wealth fund are raising red flags faster than a matador at a bull convention, warning the deal dilutes shares and turns Tesla into a one-man show with more conflicts than a family holiday dinner.
The board counters with vesting periods and a five-year share-holding rule, essentially tethering Musk like a high-stakes golden retriever who’s eyeing the neighbor’s yard—full of rockets, brain chips, and AI startups.
Board chair Robyn Denholm has been the cheerleader-in-chief, whispering to shareholders about the apocalypse if Musk decamps. It’s as if losing him would leave Tesla drifting aimlessly, like a Cybertruck in a sandstorm.
Corporate governance guru Charles Elson from the University of Delaware didn’t mince words: the board’s “held over the barrel by a superstar CEO.” His fix? A polite “have a good day” to the departing diva, because apparently, even superstars need to hear “next caller.”
Harvard’s Krishna Palepu nodding approvingly at the pay-for-performance strings attached. Tie the fortune to fortunes rising, and suddenly it’s less giveaway, more merit badge on steroids.
This package, dwarfing every CEO payout in history, arrives just as Musk juggles more side hustles than a circus performer on caffeine. Prioritize xAI or Neuralink? The board’s betting no—by making Tesla his cushiest chair.
Shareholders, meanwhile, ponder their own jackpot. A sixfold stock surge means fat wallets all around, but at what cost to checks and balances? It’s governance meets game show, where the prize is progress and the penalty is peril.
Opponents aren’t buying the hype, labeling it a power grab that mocks the idea of a CEO job market. Why shop around when you can auction your soul to the richest guy in the room?
As Thursday ticks closer, the air crackles with what-ifs. Will Musk stay loyal, or will this $878 billion be remembered as the most expensive “please don’t go” note ever penned?
For now, Tesla’s faithful hold their breath, cards close, hoping their all-in doesn’t end in a bust. After all, in Elon’s universe, the house always wins—unless the dealer dreams of Mars.
Leave a Reply