Well, folks, it looks like the stock market decided to audition for Dancing with the Stars on Monday. The Dow and its friends—the S&P 500 and Nasdaq—were tumbling, surging, pirouetting, and doing the cha-cha so hard that traders needed Dramamine just to keep up.
All this because President Donald Trump’s tariff antics have turned global trade into a high-stakes game of “Let’s Make a Deal…or Maybe Not.”
The day started with markets around the world looking like they’d been hit by a financial tornado. Investors everywhere were panicking about how Trump’s sweeping tariffs might turn the global economy into an episode of Hoarding: Buried Alive.
U.S. stocks opened in bear market territory, which is Wall Street speak for “we’re officially having a bad hair day.” But then—plot twist! Rumors swirled that Team Trump might hit the pause button on those pesky tariffs. Cue the confetti cannons as the Dow shot up nearly 900 points faster than you can say “fake news.”
Unfortunately, the White House quickly smacked down those rumors faster than your aunt deleting chain emails. A spokesperson called the whole thing “fake news,” proving once again that no one knows what’s going on anymore—not even the people making decisions.
To add insult to injury, Trump himself dashed hopes of peace talks by threatening another 50% tariff on China. And just like that, the Dow plummeted back down like a kid realizing Santa isn’t real.
By midday, the Dow was trading down 840 points (ouch), while the S&P 500 and Nasdaq weren’t far behind. It was like watching a seesaw at a playground where both kids are fighting over who gets to go higher—and neither wins.
Analysts tried their best to explain the chaos, but let’s be honest, they sounded like weather forecasters trying to predict hurricanes using Magic 8-Balls.
“This was a good example of what happens when rational thought meets ignorant policy,” said Art Hogan, chief market strategist at B. Riley Wealth Management. Translation: “We’re all flying blind here, folks!”
One moment of hope came when Ursula von der Leyen, a top EU official, announced that Europe was ready to negotiate with the U.S. She even offered to scrap tariffs on American industrial goods. Unfortunately, her offer felt like offering someone a Band-Aid after they’ve already fallen off a cliff.
Meanwhile, Trump took to social media to declare that countries from all over the world were calling him up to chat about trade. He claimed Japan’s prime minister would send a top team to negotiate, though we suspect they’ll bring snacks instead of solutions.
Trump also reiterated his stance on China, saying he’s open to talks—but only if they close the trade gap. Spoiler alert: That’s about as likely as convincing cats to stop knocking things off tables.
As the market whipsawed, investors clung to any shred of optimism. Some analysts suggested stocks might be getting cheap enough to entice bargain hunters. Others pointed out that fear-based selling often leads to big rebounds. In other words, everyone’s basically guessing, but hey, at least it keeps life interesting.
And speaking of fear, the Cboe Volatility Index (aka the VIX) skyrocketed to levels not seen since the pandemic. CNN’s Fear and Greed Index sank lower than a toddler digging for buried treasure, signaling that Wall Street is officially freaking out.
In true Trump fashion, the president framed the economic turmoil as a win. “Oil prices are down, interest rates are down, food prices are down, there is NO INFLATION,” he tweeted. Sure, buddy, tell that to the millions of Americans wondering why their retirement accounts look like they’ve been through a paper shredder.
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