Secretary of State Marco Rubio, sporting a grin wider than a diplomat’s expense account, dropped a bureaucratic bombshell on Tuesday, announcing a State Department slim-down so extreme it could star in a reality show called Extreme Makeover: Foggy Bottom Edition. The plan? Chop 15% of U.S. staff and shutter over 100 bureaus worldwide faster than you can say “visa application denied,” all in the name of President Trump’s “America First” mantra.
Rubio took to social media to unveil this grand plan, with details leaked to The Associated Press like a poorly kept embassy secret. “We can’t win the 21st century with a bureaucracy so bloated it needs its own zip code,” Rubio quipped in a department-wide email, probably typed while sipping an “America First” branded coffee. The goal? Streamline operations, save pennies, and make the State Department leaner than a yoga instructor on a juice cleanse.
Spokeswoman Tammy Bruce, trying to keep a straight face, assured reporters that no one’s getting the boot today. “It’s not like we’re handing out pink slips with their morning bagels,” she said, clarifying that this is more of a “vision board” than a firing squad. The plan involves squashing 734 bureaus into a svelte 602, plus relocating 137 offices to new corners of the department for what they’re calling “efficiency.” (Translation: musical chairs, but with diplomats.)
The plan includes a reimagined office for foreign and humanitarian aid, tasked with picking up the pieces after the U.S. Agency for International Development was sent to the great government graveyard by Trump’s team and Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency.
But don’t worry, folks—some bureaus, like those for Africa affairs and refugee issues, dodged the chopping block after a fake plan circulated over the weekend had everyone in a tizzy. Rubio himself debunked that one, probably while rolling his eyes so hard they nearly fell out.
However, not everyone’s laughing. The Office of Global Women’s Issues and the department’s diversity efforts got the axe, part of Trump’s government-wide “no woke zone” policy. Also on the chopping block? An office for crisis response in war zones, because apparently, we’re just gonna wing it next time a conflict pops off. Human rights work? Eh, it’ll be sprinkled somewhere else in the department, like glitter at a craft party.
Rumors of embassy closures, especially in Africa, had diplomats clutching their passports in panic, but it’s still unclear if those are part of the 100+ installations getting the boot. Meanwhile, the White House’s budget office floated a wild idea to slash the State Department’s budget by nearly 50% and defund the U.N. and NATO headquarters. Congress, predictably, is already side-eyeing that one like it’s a bad Tinder date.
Republicans on Capitol Hill, led by Idaho Sen. Jim Risch, are giving Rubio’s plan a standing ovation. “Change is hard, but Trump and Rubio are turning the State Department into a lean, mean, diplomatic machine!” Risch cheered, probably while waving a tiny American flag.
Democrats, however, are not amused. Hawaii Sen. Brian Schatz called it a “gut-punch to America’s global swagger,” warning that the U.S. might lose its ability to “stand up to bad guys, save lives, and promote democracy—y’know, the usual.”
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