In a move as surprising as a snowman surviving July in Death Valley, President Donald Trump is reportedly poised to command his Education Secretary, Linda McMahon, to vaporize the U.S. Department of Education via executive order.
Sources close to the administration’s ever-evolving draft orders describe the plan as bold, unprecedented, and the most dramatic thing to happen to education since someone invented the pencil.
The draft order, leaked by a staffer who may or may not have been distracted by a cheeseburger, instructs McMahon to dismantle the department by any means necessary (but, you know, legally).
This comes despite the minor hiccup that Congress would need to approve such a move—requiring 60 Senate votes, which is roughly 59 more than the administration’s current supply.
McMahon, who during her confirmation hearing last month admitted closing the department would demand congressional action (a phrase she likely learned from Avengers reruns), now faces the ultimate bureaucratic paradox: leading an agency she’s been tasked with euthanizing.
“We’d like to do this right,” she insisted, perhaps while Googling “how to fire yourself gracefully.”
The president’s push to return education to the states—a campaign promise older than his X account—has been simmering for months.
Progress, however, has been slower than a sloth on sedatives, with critics comparing the effort to trying to fold a fitted sheet: confusing, frustrating, and destined to end in a crumpled mess.
While the White House remains optimistic, insiders speculate that Congress might respond to the proposal by breaking into a chorus of ”Never Gonna Give You Up” or simply changing the locks on Capitol Hill. Stay tuned for updates, but don’t hold your breath—this could take a while.
Trump’s Executive Order: A Dramatic Quest to “Return Education to the States” (Spoiler: Chaos Ensues)
In a draft executive order so bold it could double as a Marvel movie script, President Trump has reportedly decreed that the Department of Education’s reign of “Federal bureaucratic tyranny” must end.
Opponents argue that closing the department would be akin to tossing a grenade into a library. “This would cripple students’ access to financial aid, anti-discrimination protections, and basically anything that isn’t a dunce cap,” warned Augustus Mays of The Education Trust.
Critics fear the move could unravel decades of civil rights progress, leaving schools to navigate issues like gender equality and disability access with all the finesse of a toddler handling scissors.
The president’s plan, however, faces a classic Washington obstacle: Congress. Closing the department requires 60 Senate votes—a number so elusive it might as well be a unicorn.
“This is like trying to win Squid Game but everyone’s still arguing over the rules,” quipped a Democratic aide. Meanwhile, McMahon remains caught between a rock and a hard place, reportedly practicing her resignation speech in the mirror between budget meetings.
Trump’s Executive Order 2: Electric Boogaloo (Now with Extra Wrestling Moves!)
Act 1: The DEI Takedown (AKA “The People’s Elbow”)
Hot off the heels of launching EndDEI.Ed.Gov —a website designed to fight discrimination by… closing the agency that fights discrimination?—the Trump administration’s draft order now demands that schools terminatediversity, equity, and inclusion programs.
“DEI is canceled, and the only ‘equity’ we need is a balanced budget!” the draft declares, channeling the energy of a WWE heel turn. Critics called the move “like banning umbrellas to stop rain,” but McMahon’s team insists it’s just good ol’ fashioned “reverse psychology.”
Act 2: The Test Score Smackdown
The order also takes aim at education spending, blaming poor results on the National Assessment of Educational Progress (NAEP), aka “the nation’s report card.”
“We’re spending money like it’s Monopoly cash, and the only thing passing is the buck!” the draft fumes. Experts countered, “Correlation ≠ causation,” but the administration remains unconvinced. “If at first you don’t succeed, defund the referees!” quipped one aide.
Act 3: McMahon’s WWE-Style “Historic Overhaul”
Fresh off her WWE tenure—where she mastered the art of scripted chaos—Secretary McMahon has launched her “historic overhaul” of the department.
Day 1: Place dozens of employees on paid leave, à la The Office ’s Michael Scott, but with more paperwork. “It’s not layoffs, it’s creative restructuring!” explained a spokesperson, while staffers frantically updated their LinkedIn profiles to “Education Survivor (Season 2).”
Act 4: Parents vs. Bureaucrats (FIGHT!)
McMahon’s memo vows to restore power to parents by dismantling red tape. “Imagine a world where you don’t need a PhD to understand school funding!” she enthused, ignoring the fact that most parents just want their kids to stop eating glue.
Allies argue her WWE experience makes her the perfect “disrupter” for the job. She once threw a guy named ‘The Undertaker’ off a ladder—this department doesn’t stand a chance!
As the DEI website vanishes faster than a disappearing act at a magic show, critics warn of a dystopian future where states’ rights means Alabama schools teaching calculus via rock-and-a-hard-place analogies.
Meanwhile, McMahon’s team is reportedly scouting locations for a new agency motto: “Education: Now 99% Less Federal!”
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