In a shocking twist that has tech bros everywhere updating their LinkedIn bios, Oracle co-founder Larry Ellison has officially dethroned Elon Musk as the world’s richest person.
Ellison’s net worth ballooned to $393 billion, which experts say is enough to buy every yacht, island, and probably a small moon if he plays his cards right.
Oracle shares skyrocketed more than 40% after the company casually announced that it’s basically the new cloud overlord of AI. Musk, meanwhile, saw Tesla stock stumble, leading him to lose his title and—according to one unverified tweet—his favorite parking space at the “Billionaires Only” country club.
Ellison, 81, has been slowly stacking billions since the disco era, but this week he hit the jackpot. “This is the biggest glow-up since I started Oracle in 1977,” Ellison allegedly bragged while polishing one of his 12 private jets.
Musk had clung to the “richest man alive” crown for nearly a year. But Tesla’s rocky ride, fueled by political drama and consumer eye-rolls at his late-night tweets, left him vulnerable. “One moment you’re on top of the world, the next your stock dips because you called a senator a ‘meanie’ on X,” an analyst sighed.
Financial “experts” rushed to weigh in, offering groundbreaking insights. “This is a big deal,” said Dr. Chad Moneybags of Stanford University. “Mostly because now Larry can buy two Paramounts, a TikTok, and still have enough left over to build a theme park called OracleLand.”
Meanwhile, Elon Musk’s fanbase offered support. “Don’t worry, Elon will be back,” said one Tesla owner while waiting at a Supercharger for the fifth consecutive hour. “He’ll hit that trillion-dollar pay package soon, as long as Mars colonization and humanoid butlers become profitable by 2030.”
Adding spice to the saga, Ellison is not just hoarding wealth—he’s also getting chummy with President Trump. Together, they’ve pitched “Stargate,” a project that sounds either like cutting-edge AI infrastructure or the next Fast & Furious sequel.
Rumors also swirl that Oracle may snatch up TikTok. “If Larry buys TikTok, expect a new policy where all dances must be done in spreadsheets,” joked one tech reporter.
And then there’s Hollywood. Ellison bankrolled his son’s $8 billion deal to grab Paramount, because apparently CBS reruns are the true secret to generational wealth.
So what’s next? Will Musk stage a comeback? Insiders claim he’s already planning a new money-making scheme: selling flamethrowers for pets. “The world hasn’t seen the last of me,” Musk allegedly told reporters while building a cyber-yacht shaped like a Doge meme.
For now, Ellison enjoys the title of World’s Richest Man. But if history is any guide, the crown could slip again in weeks. After all, billionaires rise and fall faster than the price of avocados.
Until then, Ellison reportedly has one thing on his to-do list: “Buy cooler Twitter than Elon.”
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