SAN FRANCISCO — Oracle has announced that its cloud business will hit $114 billion by 2029, a forecast so bullish that Wall Street briefly considered replacing the bull statue with a giant GPU.
The company says demand for AI will keep rising, forcing Oracle to build data centers faster than Starbucks builds coffee shops.
“At this point, if it has electricity and a roof, it’s a candidate for an Oracle data center,” one analyst explained. “We’re eyeing barns, abandoned Toys ‘R’ Us locations, and possibly Larry Ellison’s yacht.”
Shares of Oracle surged 40% in a single day, prompting investors to faint, recover, and immediately order more GPUs on eBay.
Rival companies that build AI hardware also skyrocketed, proving that when Oracle sneezes, Nvidia and friends catch a money shower. Nvidia itself jumped 4%, which is roughly the equivalent of a small country’s GDP.
Taiwan Semiconductor, which produces chips for everyone who doesn’t already owe their soul to Nvidia, rose over 4% after revealing sales had surged 34% in August.
“We weren’t expecting this much demand,” said a TSMC spokesperson. “We thought people just wanted chips to play Fortnite. Turns out, they’re training robots to write breakup texts.”
Broadcom saw a 9% gain, as investors realized its networking gear is essentially the duct tape holding AI servers together. AMD climbed 3% despite being Nvidia’s smaller competitor. “We’re like the indie band of GPUs,” one AMD executive said.
“We don’t sell out stadiums, but hey, we’ve got loyal fans who swear our chips run cooler.”
Micron, Super Micro, and Dell all enjoyed boosts too. Dell in particular was pleased to finally be associated with something other than beige office PCs from 2003.
Oracle CEO Safra Catz reassured investors that the billions being spent on infrastructure are not frivolous. “Every dollar is going into revenue-generating equipment,” she said, pausing only to check Zillow listings for caves suitable for data center cooling.
Meanwhile, Oracle’s smaller “neo-cloud” rival, CoreWeave, rose 20%, powered by hype, vibes, and the possibility that one day its servers might run out of a suburban garage.
Not everyone is thrilled, though. A fake Department of Energy spokesperson warned, “If Oracle builds any more data centers, we’ll need to plug them directly into the sun.” Environmentalists are also concerned, noting that future AI servers may consume enough electricity to revive the dinosaurs.
Still, Wall Street remains giddy. One hedge fund manager summed it up best: “AI is the new gold rush, except instead of pickaxes, everyone’s buying $30,000 GPUs and praying their chatbot can finally write a haiku.”
At press time, analysts predicted Oracle’s 2030 projection would involve colonizing Mars with GPU-powered clouds. Musk reportedly expressed interest, provided he can name the servers “CloudX.”
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