Nasdaq Composite soared to a record high Monday, as investors collectively decided that the only thing safer than gold, oil, or canned beans is Artificial Intelligence stocks with logos that look good on hoodies.
Broadcom surged 4%, Nvidia gained nearly 2%, and investors once again forgot that trees do not, in fact, grow into the sky. The jump has been described by market analysts as “broad-based strength” and by one bewildered trader as “the financial equivalent of everyone clapping because one guy solved a Rubik’s cube.”
Market momentum was fueled largely by excitement over AI spending, AI infrastructure, and the hope that robots will soon take over all jobs except podcast hosting.
“Investors are showing a deep, spiritual commitment to AI,” said Dr. Gerald Finstock, a self-proclaimed ‘tech soothsayer.’ “If Nvidia sneezes, the market catches a cold. If Nvidia coughs, we all sell our kidneys to buy more shares.”
Meta, Amazon, and Microsoft also rose, proving that companies with the most confusing privacy settings are somehow the safest financial bets.
This week, traders await two crucial inflation readings: the Producer Price Index on Wednesday and the Consumer Price Index on Thursday. Both reports are expected to confirm what everyone already knows—that eggs cost too much.
One investor outside the New York Stock Exchange confessed, “I don’t really know what CPI is. But if the line goes up, I cheer. If the line goes down, I panic. It’s a simple system.”
After a weak August jobs report, hopes are high that the Federal Reserve will swoop in with a rate cut, possibly half a percentage point.
“We’re basically begging the Fed to parent us,” said Karen Whitmore, a day trader holding 63% of her net worth in dog-themed cryptocurrencies. “Every time Powell lowers rates, I feel like I’m being tucked in at night with a bedtime story about fiscal responsibility.”
Experts caution that markets may drift downward without a fresh spark of excitement. This warning immediately sparked new excitement.
“A catalyst vacuum is just finance code for ‘we’re bored,’” explained Ross Mayfield, an investment strategist who has now said the word “momentum” 73 times in a single interview. “Unless something big happens with trade, tariffs, or Elon Musk renaming Twitter again, markets are basically just vibing.”
As the Nasdaq basks in its shiny new record, some economists suggest the real test will come when robots start producing their own inflation reports. Until then, investors remain locked in an endless loop of buying, waiting, and tweeting rocket emojis.
If nothing else, Monday proved one thing: Wall Street may not know where the economy is headed, but as long as AI stocks keep climbing, nobody cares.
“Honestly,” said one broker, adjusting his tie, “if Nvidia starts selling potato chips, the Nasdaq will hit 30,000.”
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