In a shocking turn of events that experts are calling “economically boring but spiritually devastating,” U.S. home prices are now losing a race against inflation, marking the first time in years that buying a house has felt less like an investment strategy and more like adopting a very expensive pet rock.
According to the latest S&P CoreLogic Case-Shiller index, home prices dipped 0.3% in June, the fourth straight month of decline. That means the dream of “getting rich just by existing in your living room” has been temporarily suspended.
“Historically, houses were supposed to make you wealthy while you slept, showered, or shouted at squirrels on the lawn,” said Nicholas Godec of S&P Dow Jones Indices. “Now, they just sit there. Like furniture. But bigger.”
During the pandemic boom, home values skyrocketed at double-digit rates, making accidental millionaires out of people who bought homes with shag carpet and avocado-colored appliances. But today, things are much less glamorous.
“Buyers aren’t showing up, sellers aren’t lowering prices, and Zillow is just quietly crying into its algorithm,” explained a Moody’s economist, who asked to remain anonymous but then winked dramatically and whispered, “It’s Mark Zandi.”
The summer buying season, usually a frenzy of open houses and bidding wars, has been compared this year to “a yard sale where no one wants your dusty treadmill.”
Analysts at EY-Parthenon predicted that home prices could officially turn negative by year’s end. To clarify, negative home prices do not mean homeowners will pay buyers to take the house off their hands—though, as one frustrated seller in Phoenix put it, “I’m not ruling it out.”
Meanwhile, home listings have surged 25% compared to last year. “It’s like Tinder for real estate,” said one broker. “Only now everyone is swiping left on everything that doesn’t come with free solar panels and a working air fryer.”
Builders are equally unimpressed. “We’re not building until people actually want to live in them,” said an anonymous construction foreman while sitting in a half-finished McMansion and eating a gas station burrito. “Besides, lumber prices are so high, I’m thinking of just whittling birdhouses instead.”
Some economists insist this slowdown could be healthy. Instead of ballooning wealth gains, home values may now “align with fundamentals,” which is economist-speak for “no more free money.”
“Sure, your house won’t make you a millionaire overnight anymore,” Godec explained. “But on the bright side, you also won’t have to fight seven tech bros in a bidding war just to afford a two-bedroom ranch with a mysterious basement smell.”
As the housing market “matures,” experts say Americans should adjust expectations: homes will shelter you from rain, provide a place to binge Netflix, and maybe—just maybe—keep pace with inflation.
In the meantime, economists warn that the only thing appreciating faster than inflation right now is the price of eggs, Taylor Swift tickets, and therapy sessions for first-time homebuyers.
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