Economists are warning that gold prices may soon skyrocket to nearly $5,000 an ounce, and ordinary Americans are already raiding their grandmother’s jewelry boxes and Halloween candy bowls in preparation.
Gold has already leapt 35% this year, leaving traditional safe havens like the dollar, government bonds, and under-mattress cash in the dust. Analysts say the surge is fueled by political drama, inflation fears, and one man’s ongoing feud with the Federal Reserve. Spoiler: it’s Donald Trump.
“Gold is basically the last trustworthy thing left on Earth,” said Daan Struyven, an economist at Goldman Sachs who now insists on being paid exclusively in gold bars or, failing that, novelty coins from Las Vegas gift shops.
The rush into gold has led to some unusual behavior. Pawn shops are reporting lines longer than Black Friday, and one Iowa farmer claims he had to chase away “at least four hedge fund managers” with a rake after they tried digging in his field for treasure.
Meanwhile, central banks are stockpiling gold like doomsday preppers. “We used to rely on the dollar,” admitted one anonymous official. “But now we trust gold more than we trust the Wi-Fi at an airport Starbucks.”
The biggest accelerant has been Donald Trump’s escalating battle with the Federal Reserve. This week, he attempted to fire Fed governor Lisa Cook, allegedly because she “refused to accept payment in Trump-branded casino chips.”
“If the Fed loses independence, inflation could soar and the dollar’s status could crumble,” Struyven explained. “But hey, at least you’ll look fabulous wearing your retirement savings around your neck.”
Goldman Sachs projects prices could reach $4,000 by 2026, but panic-driven shifts from dollar assets could push it closer to $5,000. “If just 1% of the Treasury market shifts into gold, you’ll be able to trade your wedding ring for a Tesla,” Struyven said.
Some portfolio managers are already bracing. “I was about to sell some gold,” said Arun Sai of Pictet Asset Management. “Then Trump opened his mouth again, and I thought, ‘Never mind. Let’s ride this golden rollercoaster.’”
On social media, influencers are promoting “emergency jewelry portfolios,” encouraging followers to invest in “statement necklaces with high liquidity.” One TikToker bragged that she had successfully hedged against inflation by hoarding Ferrero Rocher chocolates.
An Ohio man reportedly attempted to pay for gas with gold dust, but the cashier told him, “Sir, we only accept Apple Pay.”
With political chaos, inflation fears, and Wall Street behaving like a pirate convention, experts agree on one thing: gold is having its moment.
As one BlackRock analyst summed it up, “Reliable diversifiers are scarce, trust is crumbling, and frankly, I’ve started hiding gold coins inside my freezer waffles.”
If prices keep rising, economists predict engagement rings will soon be stored in bank vaults instead of jewelry boxes, and the phrase “cash for gold” will be replaced with “gold for food.”
Until then, investors are advised to hold onto their gold — or at least their shiny chocolate coins.
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