Gold just hit a record-high price on Friday, and it’s like the whole world’s freaking out! It blasted past $3,000 an ounce—like, whoa, gold’s flexing harder than The Rock at a WWE comeback.
Investors are basically sprinting to it like it’s the last lifeboat on the Titanic, all because Trump’s tariffs are scaring the pants off everyone.
They’re worried inflation’s gonna heat up like a microwave burrito and the economy’s gonna tank harder than my attempts at flirting last weekend.
So, get this—it dipped a bit in the afternoon, but the fancy-pants strategists at Macquarie are like, “Nah, fam, this shiny stuff could hit $3,500 by the third quarter!”
Meanwhile, the RBC crew’s also jacking up their guesses—$2,844 for 2025 (a measly 1% bump, yawn), but then $3,111 for 2026, which is an 8% glow-up. I mean, they’re basically treating gold like it’s the next Bitcoin, but with less crypto-bro hype.
Oh, and here’s the kicker—some genius businesses are freaking out that Trump might slap tariffs right on gold imports.
So they’re hoarding it like it’s the last slice of pizza at a party, shipping tons of it from overseas to US warehouses. I picture forklifts zooming around like it’s a heist movie.
And get this—central banks are in on it too, buying gold like it’s Black Friday at the jewelry store. This chick Victoria from Hargreaves Lansdown was like, “Yeah, they’re probably trying to ditch the US dollar like a bad ex.” Savage, right?
Meanwhile, the S&P 500’s having a total meltdown—down 10% in a month, like it’s auditioning for Wall Street: The Horror Movie. Tech stocks? Oh man, the “Magnificent 7”—you know, Apple, Tesla, the usual suspects—they’ve lost $1.5 trillion since New Year’s.
That’s more zeros than my bank account after a bar tab! All because Trump’s flip-flopping on trade policies like he’s playing tariff roulette.
Speaking of tariffs, he’s threatening Canada and Mexico with a 30-day “pause” (sure, Jan), a 20% gut-punch to China, and a 25% smackdown on aluminum and steel.
Everyone’s hitting back with their own taxes—tit for tat, like kids fighting over the last cookie. And the latest? Trump’s out here wildin’, threatening 200% tariffs on EU booze because they dared to tax our whiskey 50%. I’m like, “Bro, leave the whiskey alone—priorities!”
This RBC Capital Markets lady, Helima Croft, summed it up: gold’s popping off because everyone’s confused and the economy’s giving off vibes like a bad Tinder date.
So, moral of the story? Maybe we should’ve invested in gold instead of that “vintage” air fryer off eBay. Thoughts? You laughing yet, or do I need to throw in a tariff on your sense of humor too?
Leave a Reply