The ‘Take the Money and Run’ Edition
Ah yes, the plot thickens in the saga of Uncle Sam’s workforce shuffle! Elon Musk and team are basically running a “Buy One, Get Out Free” sale for federal employees. Imagine it like a Black Friday deal but instead of flat-screen TVs, you get paid to quit your government gig—just in time for Sept. 30!
White House press secretary Karoline Levitt is out here playing career matchmaker, encouraging fed workers to take the cash and run faster than a squirrel dodging a lawnmower. Over 40,000 folks have already RSVP’d to this “So Long, Suckers” party, proving that when someone offers you free money, you don’t ask too many questions.
And let’s not forget her mic-drop moment: “If they want to rip off the American people…” Girl, that sounds less like a resignation pitch and more like an audition for WWE smack talk. The subtext? “Don’t let the door hit ya where the government hired ya!”
Meanwhile, somewhere, a judge is probably Googling, “Can I resign too?” while frantically refreshing his bank account balance. It’s all very dramatic, like an episode of The Office, except everyone wears suits and no one makes jokes on purpose.
So, it’s not just a buyout—it’s more like a “take this money or we’ll take your desk” situation! The Trump administration is really leaning into the whole “use it or lose it” philosophy, except instead of ketchup packets, they’re talking about people’s livelihoods.
If you don’t hop on the resignation train, you might find yourself playing musical chairs… except when the music stops, there’s no chair left—just a memo saying, “Thanks for your service, here’s your box to pack up your stapler.”
And let’s talk about those DOJ prosecutors who worked on January 6 cases. They’ve been shown the door faster than you can say “insurrection.” Meanwhile, the FBI agents involved? It’s starting to feel like they’re being asked to audition for The Purge: Bureaucratic Edition. “Name, rank, and why did you arrest Karen from accounting?” Yikes.
It seems like every day in Washington is turning into one of those workplace comedies where everyone’s walking on eggshells, waiting for the next big shake-up. Except instead of laughs, we’re all just nervously Googling, “How do I update my LinkedIn profile?”
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