Susan Crawford—a liberal judge from Dane County—defeated Brad Schimel, Wisconsin’s answer to “conservative superhero,” in the most expensive judicial race in American history. Democrats are calling it a win for democracy; Elon Musk is probably Googling “how to rig elections without looking obvious.”
Crawford triumphantly declared on Tuesday night: “Wisconsinites just body-slammed an unprecedented attack on our democracy!”
She continued, “We proved that justice isn’t something you can order off Amazon Prime. Our courts aren’t for sale… apparently not even with free returns.” With nearly 10 percentage points separating her from Schimel and over 84% of votes counted, this victory was sweeter than cheese curds at a Packers game.
Meanwhile, Schimel—who clearly gave it his all—was seen gracefully conceding defeat like a champ (or at least someone who knows when they’ve been outspent). Addressing booing supporters, he said, “Nope, no do-overs here, folks. The numbers are bad, and unless math suddenly starts playing favorites, we’re done.” It takes guts to admit defeat while your fans sound like disappointed toddlers denied ice cream. Respect.
And let’s talk about the elephant in the room —or should I say, the billionaire behind the curtain. Elon Musk spent millions trying to turn Wisconsin into his personal playground, only to leave empty-handed.
After the results came in, Musk tweeted something about corruption and voter ID laws, which we assume is code for “I didn’t lose; the system glitched.” He’d previously warned this race might decide “the future of America and western civilization,” which feels like saying your kid’s middle school science fair project will cure climate change. Dramatic much?
This win means liberals keep their cozy 4-3 majority on the state supreme court, where big decisions loom on topics like abortion rights and collective bargaining. Oh, and redrawing congressional districts? That could give Republicans heartburn faster than deep-fried bratwurst.
Milwaukee reported “historic turnout” for a spring election, proving Wisconsinites take voting as seriously as tailgating before a Badgers game. Some polling places ran out of ballots, but hey, nothing says democracy like standing in line longer than it takes to binge-watch three episodes of The Office.
Speaking of cash, this campaign broke records with over 80 millions pent— because why spend money on world peace when you can fund endless political ads instead?
Musk alone dropped more than 20 million, including gimmicks like offering $100 to people who signed anti-judge petitions and dangling million-dollar checks like lottery tickets. If only he’d offered free Tesla rides to the polls, maybe things would’ve gone differently!
Democrats capitalized on Musk’s meddling by turning him into Public Enemy #1. State party chair Ben Wikler summed it up: “When Elon Musk shows up uninvited, suddenly everyone wants to vote.”
Jeannine Ramsey, a Madison voter, put it bluntly: “Elon Musk thinks he can waltz into Wisconsin and buy this election? Honey, we don’t sell our judges on eBay.” Her words echo the frustration many felt toward Musk’s meddling, despite his apparent belief that throwing money around makes him invincible.
While experts caution against reading too much into these results for national trends (because, spoiler alert, not every voter watches CNN or Fox News), there are glimmers of hope for Democrats. DNC Chair Ken Martin celebrated the outcome, declaring, “Tonight, Wisconsin told Elon Musk and Donald Trump to stay out of their business—and preferably move to another galaxy.” Subtle!
As Crawford wrapped up her victory speech, she joked about ending TV ads, quipping to her mom watching at home, “Happy birthday, Mom! I know how thrilled you are to finally reclaim the remote.” And with that, she traded the campaign trail for the bench, promising to deliver fairness and impartiality like a true Midwesterner serving hot dish at a potluck.
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