Trump’s speech clocked in at 1 hour, 40 minutes —the political equivalent of a Marvel movie marathon. Democrats yawned; Republicans high-fived. Unity? Nah, he skipped that chapter.
Trump’s 100-minute monologue broke records, rivaling Titanic in runtime.
Democrats considered starting a GoFundMe for chair cushions. “I could’ve built a wall with the applause breaks I didn’t get!”
Tariff: The Musical
“Tariffs are my cardio!” Donald Trump unveiled his economic plan:
“Mexico taxed our avocados? BOOM—tax their tequila! Canada jacked up lumber prices? SMASH—their maple syrup is now a luxury item!”
“Trillions will pour in! Jobs will sprout like weeds! (Meanwhile, Elon Musk’s DOGE squad audits the White House snack budget. Sorry, Biden’s granola stash.)”
Woke Eradication Tour
“Wokeness is worse than kale in a steakhouse!”
Brought parents who claimed schools turned their kids into “secret gender-bending ninjas.” “Don’t worry—your child’s rainbow pencil case is next!”
Promised to “de-woke” the military: “Our troops will now say ‘Merry Christmas’ and invade countries!”
Biden: The Human Piñata
“Blame Biden!” became the speech’s chorus.
“He left me inflation, high egg prices, and a Ukraine bill bigger than my Mar-a-Lago tab! (But my hair? Flawless. No notes.)”
“All we needed to fix the border was a new president. Look at me now, folks!”
Drama Round 1: Al Green vs. The Sergeant-at-Arms
Rep. Al Green heckled like a caffeinated parrot. Trump’s response: “REMOVE HIM! (And check his Twitter followers—bet he’s a secret Warren supporter!)”
Ukraine: A Soap Opera Season Finale
“Zelensky and I had a lovely Oval Office screamfest. But he sent a letter! (Probably wrote it during our commercial break.)”
“Peace talks? Sure! After I finish explaining why Canada’s dairy tariffs are literally terrorism.”
Democrats’ Counterprogramming
Sen. Slotkin’s rebuttal: “Trump’s running the government like a guy who ordered a Tesla Cybertruck and got a Flintstones car. Chaotic? Yes. Entertaining? Also, yes.”
After-Party Stats
Republicans: 57 standing ovations (and free MAGA stress balls).
Democrats: 43 eye rolls, 12 “Musk Steals” signs, and 1 nap.
Post-Credits Scene
“Don’t forget to subscribe to Truth Social for my next speech! (It’ll be longer. You’re welcome.)”
Imagine a State of the Union address written by the writers of Veep and directed by Michael Bay. Explosions! Drama! Tariffs! 🇺🇸
(Disclaimer: This recap is 98% gluten-free humor. Side effects may include snorting, secondhand cringe, or sudden urges to Google “What’s a DOGE?”)
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