NEW YORK – In news that surprised exactly no one who owns a single share of Nvidia, Wall Street’s finest have rolled out their official 2026 predictions, and the numbers are so cheerful they practically come with their own laugh track.
Deutsche Bank kicked off the party Tuesday by slapping an 8,000 year-end target on the S&P 500, a level that would deliver the kind of “mid-teens” returns normally reserved for people who bought Bitcoin in 2012 and remembered their wallet password.
The rest of the street, not wanting to look pessimistic at the holiday party, promptly followed with targets clustering between 7,500 and 7,800. Translation: basically everyone agrees stocks will go up a lot, again, because apparently gravity no longer applies to price-to-earnings ratios.
Investors who have been nervously waiting for someone, anyone, to shout “bubble” will be disappointed to learn that even the cautious voices are merely whispering it while buying more chips.
Deutsche Bank’s Binky Chadha—yes, that is his actual name—declared that robust earnings, endless buybacks, and the unstoppable force of artificial intelligence will keep valuations “elevated” in the same way Mount Everest is mildly hilly.
Third-quarter earnings already grew 13.4%, which is the bank views as a gentle warm-up act before the main event.
Morgan Stanley’s Mike Wilson, fresh from declaring the “rolling recession” officially over (it sent a postcard from Cancun), announced we have entered a brand-new bull market. Investors greeted the news the way dogs greet the delivery guy: uncontrolled excitement and mild confusion about the package contents.
Wells Fargo joined the parade with a 7,800 target and a two-stage rally plan: first half “reflation hope,” second half “AI goes brrr.”
The bank did mutter something about a possible bubble, but quickly added that policy and liquidity will keep everything afloat right through the 2026 midterms, because nothing says “sound economy” like politicians refusing to let rich people become slightly less rich.
JPMorgan offered the most entertaining caveat: stocks could actually rocket past 8,000 if the Fed keeps cutting rates, which the bond market suddenly thinks is 83% likely by Christmas. Nothing focuses the Federal Reserve like a spreadsheet full of green arrows.
The bank’s strategist Dubravko Lakos-Bujas—another name that sounds like a Bond villain who studied finance—insisted current sky-high multiples are totally reasonable because companies will soon shower shareholders with cash while robots do all the actual work.
Multiple firms highlighted the growing K-shaped economy, where the top half gets Lamborghinis and the bottom half gets two jobs and a side hustle. AI, they agree, will politely widen that gap while wearing a friendly smiley face.
HSBC rounded out the chorus with a 7,500 target, noting 2026 should feel like the late 1990s, except this time the companies might actually make money eventually.
Investors, faced with the choice between believing highly paid strategists or selling everything and moving to a cabin, appear to have chosen the former. Again.
The S&P 500 closed Wednesday quietly plotting how to make all these forecasts look conservative by March.
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