Gather ‘round, folks, for a tale of political pratfalls and corporate cowardice that’ll have you spitting out your overpriced coffee! Here’s the latest scoop from the Washington clown car:
- Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent, probably mid-sip of his White House latte, got ambushed with questions about this at a briefing. He blinked like a deer in headlights.
- Enter White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, swooping in like a caffeinated superhero. She claimed she’d just had a heart-to-heart with President Trump himself, who declared this tariff-display idea a “hostile and political act” by Amazon. Yes, folks, price transparency is now a national security threat!
- Amazon, faster than you can say “free two-day shipping,” folded like a cheap lawn chair. Their spokesperson Tim Doyle stammered, “Oh, that? Just a wild idea from our Amazon Haul team! Never approved, never happening, please don’t hurt us!”
Let’s unpack this circus, shall we? First off, there was no “act” by Amazon—just a flimsy rumor that everyone clutched their pearls over. Leavitt (and Trump, if you buy her story) went full Hulk-smash over the idea that a retailer might dare show customers what they’re actually paying. Why? Because it’d make their tariff plans look like they were scribbled by a toddler with a crayon. And poof! Amazon caved faster than a soufflé in a windstorm.
Now, here’s where it gets really good. Jeff Bezos, the bald billionaire who’s been playing newspaper tycoon, has no choice but to march into Amazon HQ and demand they slap those tariffs on every product page. Why? Because he’s spent the last year torching the Washington Post like it’s a marshmallow at a campfire, all in the name of his “two pillars”: personal liberties and free markets. Here’s Jeffy himself, pontificating about his Post overhaul:
“We’re gonna be preaching personal liberties and free markets every dang day. Other viewpoints? Let someone else print ‘em. America’s great because of freedom, baby—economic and otherwise. Freedom’s ethical, practical, and makes you filthy rich!”
Oh, Jeff, you sweet summer child. Tariffs cooked up by a policy-making Magic 8-Ball aren’t “free markets.” Free markets let prices do the talking, not wannabe emperors throwing tantrums. If the Post is really your free-market soapbox, it should be roasting this tariff nonsense, not cowering because someone called price tags “hostile.”
But wait, there’s more! What about Amazon’s shareholders? Shouldn’t Jeff bow to the White House to keep the stock price shiny? Let’s ask the man himself, who wrote this gem about his Post ownership:
“My wealth’s either a shield against bullies or a tangled mess of conflicts. Only my principles decide. I swear I’ve never leaned on the Post to push my own interests in 11 years. Challenge you to find one time I did!”
Here’s the punchline: Jeff’s preaching that his billions and principles will protect the Post from intimidation, yet the White House sneezes “hostile act,” and Amazon’s already on its knees. If Jeff’s so gung-ho about free markets that he’ll let his newspaper burn, surely he’s got the guts to stare down this tariff tantrum and make Amazon display those costs.
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