Alibaba’s freshly rebranded Qwen AI app rocketed past 10 million downloads in its first week, leaving analysts wondering if someone accidentally attached it to every group-chat red envelope in the country.
The sudden surge sent Alibaba’s Hong Kong-listed shares up more than 5% on Monday, proving once again that nothing excites investors quite like the phrase “we’re basically China’s ChatGPT now.”
Somewhere in Silicon Valley, a lonely ChatGPT server reportedly asked for a blanket because it suddenly felt a chill from the east. Meanwhile, Alibaba shareholders woke up, checked their brokerage apps, and immediately started googling “how to say ‘to the moon’ in Mandarin.”
The download frenzy also gave Ant Group bragging rights after its own AI assistant, LingGuang, strutted to over one million downloads in four days—respectable numbers that, in this context, feel adorably participation-trophy-level.
Alibaba quietly gathered its scattered AI apps, gave them a unified haircut, slapped the name Qwen on everything, and hit relaunch. China responded by downloading it faster than free coupons on Singles’ Day.
Ten million downloads. One week. For perspective, that’s roughly one new user every 0.6 seconds, or the time it takes your auntie to forward a health scam on WeChat.
ChatGPT, still banned in China, could only watch from afar like an ex who wasn’t invited to the wedding but keeps refreshing the couple’s Moments feed.
Market watchers now believe Alibaba’s future stock price may depend less on selling phone chargers and more on whether Qwen can someday tell you which color sweater matches your mood, your zodiac sign, and whatever’s left in your Alipay balance.
Coming soon: “agentic” features that will let Qwen book your dinner, hail your ride, and passively-aggressively remind you that the yoga pants in your cart have been waiting 47 days.
CEO Eddie Wu has officially declared Alibaba an “AI-first” company, which is corporate speak for “please value us like OpenAI and not like the mall that also sells cloud servers.”
Investors will grill management on Tuesday’s earnings call, presumably asking the eternal question: “Yes, but can it make my Taobao packages arrive before I forget I ordered them?”
Alibaba promises to stuff the Qwen app with maps, food delivery, travel booking, office tools, e-commerce, education, and health advice—basically everything except the ability to explain to your mother why you’re still single.
In a statement clearly written by someone who has never lost three hours comparing airfares, the company vowed “deep integration of core lifestyle and productivity services.” Translation: prepare for your AI to judge your late-night fried chicken orders.
For now, Qwen sits atop China’s app charts, quietly calculating how many more millions it needs before someone in Hangzhou can legitimately say they built “the ChatGPT of the East” without immediately being laughed out of the room.
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