Attorney General Pam Bondi announced Friday that she’s dusting off her magnifying glass to snoop through reporters’ phone records. Her mission? To catch those pesky leakers who’ve been spilling the tea faster than a clumsy waiter at a tea party.
This move flips the script on the Biden-Garland era, which had put a “no peeking” policy on journalists’ notes, treating them like sacred diary entries.
“These leaks are like passing notes in class—illegal, wrong, and totally uncool,” Bondi quipped in an internal memo that somehow didn’t stay internal (ironic, right?). “I’m shredding Merrick Garland’s ‘hands-off-the-press’ rulebook. We’re going full Sherlock to nab those blabbermouths,” she added, probably while twirling an imaginary mustache.
Bondi’s new crusade comes hot on the heels of National Intelligence Director Tulsi Gabbard pointing fingers at three suspected leakers. Last month, Gabbard took to X, shouting into the void about “somebody in the Intelligence Community dishing dirt on Israel and Iran to the Washington Post.” She didn’t name names or stories, leaving everyone guessing like it’s a game of Clue.
Meanwhile, the Defense Department is starring in its own sitcom, with leaks painting Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth as a paranoid, vain diva who allegedly turned part of the Pentagon into his personal glam studio.
CBS claims he installed a makeup room. Because nothing says “national security” like a flawless contour. The drama’s been so juicy that four Pentagon staffers have either been sacked or fled the scene, all swearing they’re innocent.
Under Bondi’s new rules, newsrooms better brace for subpoenas like they’re pop quizzes. “Answer the call, or else,” she warned, though she promised the subpoenas would be “narrowly drawn” and come with a polite heads-up. She also pinky-swore to include “protocols” to avoid snooping too deep into reporters’ juicy scoops or sacred group chats.
Bondi’s not totally throwing caution to the wind. She’ll only greenlight a subpoena if there’s “reasonable grounds” a crime’s been committed and the info is crucial to nailing the culprit. Plus, her team has to exhaust all other options—like begging the reporter nicely—before raiding their call logs. But if national security’s on the line, all bets are off, and Bondi’s ready to play hardball.
Leave a Reply