U.S. Senate approved a Republican budget blueprint early Saturday morning. Why so late? Because nothing screams productivity like debating fiscal policy while fighting off yawns and caffeine jitters.
This shiny new plan aims to make President Trump’s 2017 tax cuts permanent, trim government spending like a bad haircut, and throw money at border security—all without inviting Democrats to the party. Using a magical tool called “budget reconciliation,” Republicans avoided the filibuster, which is basically the legislative equivalent of being forced to listen to your uncle’s conspiracy theories for hours on end.
Senate Budget Committee Chairman Lindsey Graham summed it up perfectly: “We’re taking small steps toward reconciliation and giant leaps toward greatness!” Translation: “We’re doing big things, so please ignore the exploding national debt behind the curtain.”
But not everyone was onboard the hype train. Senators Susan Collins and Rand Paul decided to crash the party alongside Democrats, proving once again that bipartisanship isn’t completely dead—it’s just hiding in a corner eating snacks.
Now, the bill heads to the House, where Republicans are gearing up to tackle it next week. According to non-partisan analysts, this plan could balloon the national debt by $5.7 trillion over the next decade. But fear not! Senate Republicans swear it’ll only cost $1.5 trillion because, apparently, ignoring long-term consequences is the new black.
And speaking of debts, the plan includes raising the debt ceiling by $5 trillion—a number so large it makes my credit card bill look adorable. To justify all this financial wizardry, Republicans promise to cut spending elsewhere. Cue ominous music as Democrats warn that beloved programs like Medicaid could take a hit harder than a piñata at a kid’s birthday party.
Republicans counter that letting the 2017 tax cuts expire would be like slapping a 22% surcharge on your favorite streaming service subscription. Nobody wants that, right? So naturally, they’re fighting tooth and nail to keep those cuts alive.
Meanwhile, Senate Democratic leader Chuck Schumer unleashed his inner drama queen, declaring, “Donald Trump has betrayed the American people!” He accused Republicans of choosing billionaires over the middle class, which sounds less like governance and more like picking teams for dodgeball.
As if things weren’t chaotic enough, the stock market decided to throw a tantrum thanks to Trump’s trade tariffs. Economists are freaking out, warning that these tariffs could send prices skyrocketing faster than avocado toast at brunch. Some Republicans admitted that market chaos could slow down their agenda quicker than a toddler saying “no” to vegetables.
During a grueling six-hour “vote-a-rama” (seriously, who names these things?), Republicans squeezed in a last-minute tweak to protect Medicaid and Medicare—but only if it doesn’t cost extra. Good luck with that, guys.
Democrats threw amendment after amendment at the bill, trying to undo Trump’s tariffs and save social programs, but Republicans blocked them like a goalie during overtime. A handful of GOP senators crossed party lines, but their rebellion fizzled out faster than New Year’s resolutions.
If House Republicans get their wish, Congress will chop $2 trillion in spending by gutting Medicaid, food stamps, and environmental protections. They also want to build Fort Knox-level security along the Mexican border and crank up deportations, ensuring that immigration debates remain hotter than jalapeño poppers at happy hour.
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