Drugmakers are reportedly groveling at the feet of U.S. President Donald Trump, pleading for a gentle phasing-in of tariffs on their precious imported pills and potions. Sources say these pharma fat cats are hoping to soften the blow of Trump’s upcoming tariff tantrum, set to drop this Wednesday like a blockbuster sequel nobody asked for.
Their dream? A slow, soothing ramp-up to the 25% tariff wall Trump’s been threatening, rather than a sudden, “day one” smackdown.
Trump, never one to shy away from a dramatic reveal, teased on Sunday that his shiny new reciprocal tariffs will hit everybody—no VIP list here, just a global free-for-all.
Apparently, even the pharma industry, which has been sipping piña coladas on the sidelines of past trade wars, is now in his crosshairs.
Bigwigs at multinational drug companies are sweating bullets, expecting the inevitable and crossing their fingers for a tariff rollout that’s more “soft jazz” than “death metal.”
One source dished, “The pharma folks are floating this idea of a tariff ‘gradation’—you know, like a slow climb up the rollercoaster instead of just yeeting them off the top.”
Trump might announce a fancy “study” on Wednesday to figure out how to slap these fees on without causing a nationwide ibuprofen shortage. Because nothing screams “decisive leadership” like kicking the can down the road for a PowerPoint presentation.
Big Pharma’s got factories sprinkled across the U.S., Europe, and Asia like confetti at a parade, and moving more production stateside isn’t exactly a weekend DIY project. Industry bigshot group PhRMA whined that building a new U.S. plant takes 5 to 10 years and a cool $2 billion—mostly because the government’s red tape is stickier than a cough syrup spill.
They’ve been hammering this point in meetings with Trump’s crew since February, begging for a tariff timeline that doesn’t make them cry into their shareholder reports.
Optimism is flickering in the pharma boardrooms, with some hoping Trump’s initial tariff jab might land below that dreaded 25% haymaker. “Maybe he’s starting to get that you can’t just snap your fingers and poof, drug factories appear in Ohio,” one source mused.
Still, Trump’s all about that “Made in the USA” life, insisting tariffs will force drugmakers to ditch their foreign flings and come home—shortages and patient whining be damned.
One crafty lobbyist even pointed out that U.S. rules requiring public comment periods might stall this tariff train, giving pharma execs time to stockpile champagne and strategize.
Speaking of strategy, some companies—like Johnson & Johnson, Eli Lilly, AstraZeneca, and GSK—have been flexing their wallets, dropping billions on new U.S. plants to churn out their top-shelf drugs.
But plot twist: the secret sauce (aka active ingredients) still mostly comes from Europe. With Wednesday’s tariff bomb looming, some firms are airlifting meds to the U.S. like it’s a blockbuster heist movie—because who needs ships when you’ve got planes and panic?
European drugmakers are already bracing for the hit, admitting their goodies will feel the tariff pinch since they’re made abroad. One exec shrugged, “We could crank up our tiny U.S. output pretty quick, but building new lines for our overseas stuff? That’s a two-year nap.”
So, as Trump preps to unveil his tariff extravaganza, Big Pharma’s clutching its pearls, praying for a slow dance instead of a tariff tango.
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