Washington DC, the city that everyone loves to meddle with—kind of like your nosy uncle who insists on “helping” you grill burgers at a family barbecue. Only instead of burnt meat, we’re talking about billion-dollar budget cuts and executive orders so bold they make reality TV dramas look tame.
Donald Trump recently signed an executive order declaring his intention to make DC “safe, beautiful, and prosperous.”
Safe? Sure. Beautiful? Debatable (have you seen those traffic circles?). Prosperous? Well, maybe if by prosperity you mean allowing more concealed weapons permits while simultaneously cracking down on undocumented immigrants.
Meanwhile, JD Vance has been tasked with scrubbing “improper ideology” from the Smithsonian Institution—a directive vague enough to raise eyebrows but specific enough to sound like something out of a dystopian novel.
But wait! There’s more!
Congressional Republicans decided to sprinkle some chaos into the mix by approving a $1 billion slash to the city’s budget. Mayor Muriel Bowser warned this would gut essential services like schools, police, and healthcare—a trifecta of things most people agree are important unless you’re playing SimCity and trying to see how long chaos lasts before civilization collapses.
The Senate quickly scrambled to undo the cut, because nothing says bipartisanship like realizing you accidentally defunded fire trucks in the nation’s capital. Even Trump chimed in, tweeting that the House should fix the issue ASAP because, apparently, he wants DC to be “beautiful again.” As beautiful as when? The 1800s? Because let’s face it, nostalgia for old-timey aesthetics doesn’t exactly scream modern governance.
Meanwhile, Tazra Mitchell of DC Fiscal Policy Institute pointed out that cutting $1 billion wouldn’t just hurt DC; it would ripple across neighboring Maryland and Virginia, disrupting transit and healthcare systems. It’s like pulling a thread in a sweater only to realize the whole thing unravels—and suddenly your torso is cold and everyone’s mad at you.
Bowser, ever the diplomat, tried smoothing things over with Trump by removing the Black Lives Matter plaza near the White House—a move akin to offering someone chocolate cake after stepping on their foot. But alas, it seems goodwill gestures can only go so far when Congress decides to flex its constitutional muscle over DC’s local affairs.
Here’s where it gets truly absurd. Republicans omitted language approving DC’s budget from the federal spending bill, leaving the city unable to spend its own locally collected tax dollars. Halfway through the fiscal year, mind you. Imagine being mid-road trip, running low on gas, and then discovering someone drained your tank because they thought it’d teach you responsibility.
Senate Republicans called the omission a “mistake” (oopsie!) and unanimously passed a fix. Yet House Republicans seem to be dragging their feet, perhaps hoping to extract concessions from DC first.
Andy Harris, chair of the House Freedom Caucus, suggested delaying the fix until his group could compile a list of demands. Translation: “We broke it, but now we want cookies before we hand over the duct tape.”
Conservative think tanks have already started brainstorming ways to use the situation as leverage, proposing policies like banning non-citizens from voting in local elections or preventing the city from spending money on undocumented immigrants. Because nothing screams “home rule” quite like having outsiders dictate every detail of your municipal life.
Alex Dodds of Free DC summed it up perfectly: “It’s not even a budget cut. It’s really like a power grab over DC’s budget.” In other words, Congress treating DC like a misbehaving teenager whose allowance needs micromanaging, despite the fact that actual adults live there and probably know what’s best for their community.
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