A U.S. judge on Wednesday body-checked the Trump administration’s attempt to slice-and-dice billions in federal research funding—a move that universities and Democratic states warned would turn labs into ghost towns faster than a zombie apocalypse.
U.S. District Judge Angel Kelley, a Biden appointee with a flair for dramatic timing, dropped a nationwide injunction like a boss, pausing the cuts just days before they’d have forced scientists to trade microscopes for crowdfunding campaigns.
The drama began when the National Institutes of Health (NIH) announced it would slash reimbursements for indirect costs—the bureaucratic term for things like keeping the lights on, paying janitors, and ensuring labs don’t accidentally invent a black hole.
The policy, unveiled with all the subtlety of a bull in a china shop, targeted elite universities like Harvard, Yale, and Johns Hopkins for charging over 60% in overhead fees.
“Sure, their endowments could fund a small galaxy,” Kelley quipped in her ruling, “but try running a clinical trial without, you know, walls.”
The plaintiffs—a coalition of 22 Democratic states, medical associations, and universities—argued the cuts were about as lawful as jaywalking in a no-pants zone. Kelley agreed, noting the administration’s unilateral weekend makeover of funding rules risked halting life-saving research mid-stride.
“Imagine telling a cancer trial, ‘Oops, your grant just ghosted you,’” she wrote, temporarily blocking the cuts until the legal dust settles.
Massachusetts Attorney General Andrea Joy Campbell hailed the ruling as a mic drop for science, while the Trump team vowed to appeal faster than you can say “Make America Tweet Again.”
The White House, channeling its inner toddler, defended the cuts as just good fiscal hygiene, part of a broader quest to shrink government like a shrink ray from a sci-fi flick.
Meanwhile, researchers everywhere breathed a sigh of relief. “We were this close to crowdfunding a cure for the common cold via GoFundMe,” joked one lab director, gesturing with fingers pinched tighter than a stressed-out grad student’s coffee mug.
The NIH’s now-infamous policy also raised eyebrows by singling out wealthy universities, prompting jokes about “trust fund labs” and “ivory tower elites.”
“Next, they’ll accuse MIT of using grant money for avocado toast,” quipped a Stanford professor, eyeing her $300 million electron microscope.
As the legal battle drags on, one thing’s clear: In the Trump era, even budget cuts come with a side of chaos. Stay tuned for Season 2: The NIH Strikes Back.
Leave a Reply