The plot thickens in this ever-evolving workplace sitcom! In a twist that feels more like a Saturday Night Live sketch than real life, senior Justice Department staff have now stepped in to save their employees from Elon Musk’s existential email apocalypse.
That’s right—when asked to answer the burning question, “What did you do last week?” (as if they’re reporting to some kind of cosmic middle manager), staffers were told to take a hard pass.
Because let’s be honest: nothing says “justice” like ignoring an awkward corporate-style demand from the guy who once tried to sell flamethrowers for fun.
It’s almost as if the Justice Department looked at Musk’s email and collectively said, “Hmm, we’ve got better things to do… like maybe uphold the Constitution.”
Was this a bold act of bureaucratic defiance? A savvy power move? Or just someone finally saying, “Elon, buddy, we’re busy stopping crime—not writing performance reviews for your amusement”?
Either way, it’s clear the Justice Department isn’t about to let Musk turn them into his personal HR department. Stay tuned, folks: Will other agencies follow suit, or will Musk declare this insubordination grounds for intergalactic termination?
No, We’re Not Doing Your Homework
Senior Justice Department staff have officially declared, “Sorry, Elon, we’re not here to write your weekly progress report.” On Monday—just as federal employees were likely practicing their best email prose—the higher-ups at DOJ swooped in with some much-needed parental guidance: don’t bother replying.
The now-infamous Saturday email, which demanded staffers list five accomplishments from the past week (or else face termination), was met with all the enthusiasm of a pop quiz on a Monday morning.
But instead of scrambling to draft flowery responses fit for a Muskian performance review, Justice Department employees were told they could skip the assignment entirely.
It’s almost poetic justice (pun intended): while Elon Musk flexes his managerial muscles by asking people to justify their existence, the very agency tasked with upholding laws and protecting democracy essentially replied, “Cool story, but we’ve got bigger fish to fry.”
Was this an act of bureaucratic rebellion? A polite way of saying, “We don’t work for you, Elon”? Or just someone pointing out that tracking criminal masterminds is slightly more important than filling out arbitrary self-evaluations?
Whatever it is, one thing’s clear: if Musk wanted efficiency, he might need to rethink sending memos that sound like they belong in a middle-management seminar rather than the halls of justice.
Stay tuned, because at this rate, the only question left is whether Elon will respond with another cryptic tweet—or maybe just try to buy the Justice Department next.
Not Our Circus, Not Our Monkeys
In true Elon Musk fashion, the world’s richest man—and part-time federal overlord—dropped yet another bombshell on his social media platform X (because where else would you announce sweeping workforce policies?): “Ignore this email, and we’ll assume you’ve quit!” he declared Saturday.
The email in question, sent by the Office of Personnel Management with the thrilling subject line “What did you do last week?”, was apparently meant to separate the doers from the dreamers.
Or maybe just terrify civil servants into writing their own eulogies.
But here’s the twist: the sprawling Justice Department, home to lawyers, investigators, and other professional non-email-novelists, has now politely informed its staff that they can ignore Musk’s ultimatum.
Because let’s face it—if anyone knows how to handle threats, it’s the folks who prosecute them for a living.
While Musk has been handed the keys to the federal kingdom by President Trump to oversee some good old-fashioned layoffs, it seems not everyone is ready to hand over their weekly accomplishments like it’s a high school book report.
The Justice Department’s move feels less like defiance and more like an exhausted parent saying, “Elon, sweetie, we’re busy stopping cybercrime and prosecuting mob bosses. Can we talk about this later?”
So, what’s next? Will Elon respond with a fiery tweetstorm? Try to reorganize the DOJ like it’s one of his companies? Or maybe just pivot to asking employees to list their top five superhero traits instead?
One thing’s for sure: if running the government were as easy as launching rockets, we’d all be out of jobs already.
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