Michael and Susan Dell just casually promised $6.25 billion to drop $250 into the future investment accounts of 25 million American children under ten. Announced on GivingTuesday, because nothing says “season of giving” like writing a check that could buy approximately 208 million PlayStation 6 consoles.
Suddenly, being born after January 1, 2025 comes with a government-branded starter pack that now includes a complimentary quarter-grand from the Dells. For parents still googling “how to keep toddler from eating Tide Pods,” the news means one less GoFundMe in eighteen years when junior wants to buy a food truck or pay rent in Brooklyn.
The stock market, already accustomed to irrational exuberance, reportedly did a little happy dance knowing 25 million new index-fund investors are being onboarded before they can properly pronounce “dividend.”
The program, officially dubbed “Trump Accounts” because apparently everything needs presidential branding these days, was signed into law on the Fourth of July like a patriotic fireworks show nobody asked for but everyone secretly enjoys.
Under the rules, the Treasury will automatically seed $1,000 for kids born between 2025 and 2028. Everyone else has to beg relatives who still send paper checks.
The Dells, not content with merely being on the Forbes list, decided to super-size their gift until it hit $6.25 billion, a number so large it has its own gravitational pull.
Their foundation will target ZIP codes where the median family income is $150,000 or less, effectively drawing a philanthropic line that says, “Sorry, Connecticut hedge-fund toddlers, you’re on your own.”
Michael Dell, worth a relaxed $148 billion, explained the couple wants children to “see a future worth saving for.” Presumably after they finish saving for therapy from discovering their college fund has a former president’s name on it.
Susan Dell added that the gift is meant to remind kids that their country cares. Somewhere a five-year-old just looked up from his iPad and asked if the country could also care about more chicken nuggets.
Funds must be invested in broad stock-market index funds, meaning America’s youth will now ride the same emotional rollercoaster as every 401(k) owner every time the Fed coughs.
Critics gently point out the same legislation that created the accounts also trimmed Medicaid, food stamps, and childcare subsidies. So congratulations, kid, you’ve been gifted compound interest and a slightly emptier pantry.
Still, policy wonks are oddly optimistic. One compared the Trump Accounts to Social Security and the Affordable Care Act, programs that started wobbly and eventually became national treasures, or at least things people yell about on cable news.
Venture capitalist Brad Gerstner, who helped lobby for the law, says the goal is to let everyone share in “the upside of the American experiment.” Translation: even the bottom 50% who currently own roughly one percent of stocks get a ticket to the capitalism casino.
The Dells hope their nine-figure gesture inspires companies and rich uncles everywhere to toss in extra cash. Early reports suggest several billionaires have already started Googling “how much is socially acceptable to Venmo a stranger’s kid.”
For now, millions of American children remain blissfully unaware that a tech titan just quietly made their future slightly less dependent on whether they go viral on TikTok.
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