Strategy Inc.—the company formerly known as MicroStrategy—has magically conjured a $1.4 billion cash reserve to keep paying dividends without having to touch its beloved $56 billion mountain of Bitcoin, even if the crypto market continues its impression of a drunk rollercoaster.
Investors who spent the weekend googling “what happens if mNAV goes negative” can finally exhale; the company just bought itself at least 21 months of peace, love, and quarterly checks.
The announcement worked like a triple espresso on a sleepy trading floor. Shares that were down more than 5% in pre-market suddenly remembered they had legs and sprinted back toward respectability, while Bitcoin itself shrugged, said “not my problem,” and kept sliding 6%.
Wall Street’s collective blood pressure dropped from “hypertensive crisis” to merely “needs to cut back on the Red Bull,” proving once again that nothing soothes a crypto investor’s soul like the phrase “we sold some stock instead of coins.”
Strategy, headquartered in the thrilling metropolis of Tysons Corner, Virginia—where the most exciting thing used to be a new Pretzel Time—revealed Monday that it raised the $1.4 billion by, you guessed it, selling more shares of itself to people who apparently still believe in the dream.
The reserve is designed to cover dividend and interest payments for at least 21 months, with ambitions to stretch that to a full two years, giving the company the financial equivalent of a very expensive weighted blanket.
Its closely watched mNAV ratio—a fancy way of saying “are we worth more than our Bitcoin or not”—sat at a nerve-wracking 1.2 on Monday. Below 1.0 and the sirens go off.
CEO Phong Le, clearly auditioning for a drama series, admitted on a podcast Friday that yes, they could sell Bitcoin if forced, but only as an absolute last resort—right after selling kidneys, we presume.
“Mathematically it makes sense,” Le explained, before adding that emotionally he’d rather gnaw off his own arm than become the guy who sold Bitcoin in a dip. Math 1, Feelings 0.
The software business that originally paid the bills now generates less free cash flow than a lemonade stand in Antarctica, so dividends are funded the modern way: print shares, buy Bitcoin, pray.
Bitcoin, being the considerate asset that it is, still refuses to pay dividends, leaving Strategy in the hilarious position of paying shareholders with money raised by promising more Bitcoin that pays no dividends.
Yet hope springs eternal. After a full week of not buying any coins—an eternity in Strategy time—the company celebrated the new reserve by immediately purchasing another 130 Bitcoin for $11.7 million. Because priorities.
Accountants, prepare for whiplash: the company updated full-year guidance to reflect Bitcoin trading between $85,000 and $110,000 by year-end, producing a comically wide earnings range from a $7 billion loss to a $9.5 billion profit. Somewhere, a spreadsheet just filed for emotional damages.
Net income could swing from minus $5.5 billion to plus $6.3 billion, meaning diluted earnings per share might land anywhere between “ouch, negative $17” and “wow, positive $19.” Investors love certainty.
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