The US economy somehow managed to sprinkle 119,000 new jobs into September like a barista adding extra foam nobody ordered.
Economists, who had solemnly predicted a measly 50,000 new positions, were left staring at their spreadsheets as if the numbers had personally insulted their mothers.
The celebration lasted approximately four seconds.
Previous months were quietly marched into a back room and given brutal haircuts: August flipped from a gain of 22,000 jobs to a loss of 4,000, while July shrank its résumé by another 7,000 positions.
Meanwhile, the unemployment rate tiptoed upward to 4.4 percent – its highest reading since October 2021 – because apparently someone has to keep the “help wanted” signs honest.
Seven million six hundred thousand Americans are now officially practicing their “I’m between opportunities” LinkedIn headlines.
Health care kept hiring like it was immune to budget meetings, food services and bars cheerfully onboarded anyone who can carry a tray, and social assistance refused to let the team down.
Transportation and warehousing, however, decided September was the perfect month to lose friends.
The federal government shed a casual 97,000 workers from its January peak, achieving the rare feat of shrinking faster than a wool sweater in a hot dryer.
Average hourly earnings climbed to $36.67, a 3.8 percent year-over-year raise that finally outran inflation’s 3 percent jog.
Workers everywhere immediately spent the extra 67 cents on coffee to stay awake through the confusion.
The report itself arrived fashionably late after a six-week government shutdown turned the Bureau of Labor Statistics into a very expensive paperweight from October 1 to November 12.
Private forecasters had spent the blackout period confidently declaring the labor market was circling the drain.
ADP announced the private sector actually lost 29,000 jobs, while hiring plans hit their lowest level since 2009 – the year everyone swore they’d never speak of again.
One economist summed it up neatly: the labor market is “frozen and starting to crack,” which sounds suspiciously like the exact phrase used to describe the Titanic’s hull.
In further thrilling news, the October jobs report has been canceled entirely because, and we quote, the BLS couldn’t “adequately collect data” during the shutdown.
The November report will now heroically attempt to stuff both October and November data into one overstuffed release on December 16, like trying to fit two Thanksgiving turkeys into a single roasting pan.
Markets reacted with the calm restraint of a toddler who just discovered espresso: stocks wobbled, bonds shrugged, and gold quietly updated its résumé.
Economists, still recovering from being wrong about September, have already lowered expectations for the combined report to “somewhere between zero and whatever keeps us employed.”
The US labor market, ladies and gentlemen – still adding jobs, still revising them away, and still keeping everyone delightfully off balance.
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