United Parcel Service just dropped third-quarter earnings that left Wall Street gobsmacked, raking in profits that outpaced forecasts while waving goodbye to 34,000 jobs and a fleet of buildings.
The Atlanta powerhouse reported a tidy $1.31 billion profit for the three months ended September 30—down from last year’s $1.99 billion, sure, but adjusted for one-time headaches, it clocked $1.74 per share against analysts’ measly $1.31 guess.
Revenue? A bouncy $21.42 billion, thumbing its nose at the $20.84 billion Wall Street whispered into its spreadsheets.
Shares, meanwhile, moonwalked up over 12% before the bell Tuesday, as if investors had just unwrapped a surprise bonus package of their own.
But here’s the fine print that turns this fiscal fairy tale into a corporate breakup ballad: UPS is slashing its way to slimmer days.
In a regulatory filing thicker than a misplaced Amazon box, the company confessed to axing about 34,000 positions and shuttering daily ops at 93 leased and owned buildings in the first nine months.
That’s right—93 structures now echoing with the ghosts of idle conveyor belts, all in service of a turnaround plan that’s more “extreme makeover” than mild refresh.
And they’re not done. UPS hinted it’s still eyeballing more buildings for the chopping block, because nothing says “back to basics” like a game of real estate whack-a-mole.
Flash back to April, when UPS first spilled the beans on trimming 20,000 jobs and mothballing over 70 facilities, mostly to dial back the Amazon avalanche.
At the time, they eyed closing 73 spots by June’s end. Spoiler: They overshot, because why settle for efficiency when you can sprint toward it?
The Amazon saga? It’s the elephant—or should we say, the elephantine shipment volume—in the room.
In January, UPS inked a deal with its former top-dog customer to halve that flood of packages by the second half of 2026, like politely suggesting an ex take half their stuff and go.
CEO Carol Tomé, during the fourth-quarter call, reminisced about their 30-year tango with Amazon, only to admit the contract renewal sparked a “reassessment” that sounds suspiciously like couples therapy gone south.
“Partners for nearly three decades,” she said, with the wistful tone of someone folding up old love letters into a return-to-sender envelope.
The silver lining? UPS has already pocketed $2.2 billion in cost savings through September 30, like finding spare change in the couch cushions of its sprawling network.
They’re gunning for $3.5 billion in year-over-year trims by 2025, proving that sometimes, less really is more—fewer trucks, fewer headaches, more green on the balance sheet.
Yet, as packages pile up elsewhere, one can’t help but wonder: In the grand relay race of e-commerce, is UPS passing the baton or dropping it entirely?
Employees navigating these cuts? They’re the unsung heroes, repackaging their careers amid the cardboard carnage.
Analysts, ever the optimists with clipboards, nod approvingly at the numbers, but whisper about the human parcels left curbside.
Tomé’s vision? A leaner, meaner machine, zipping through holidays without the drag of yesterday’s baggage.
Wall Street’s reaction? Pure euphoria, shares soaring as if UPS had invented teleportation for trucks.
But peel back the tape: This is logistics Darwinism, where survival means shedding weight faster than a fad diet.
Amazon, meanwhile, shrugs off the split like it’s just another Prime Day deal gone awry, scouting new carriers while UPS fine-tunes its solo act.
For investors, it’s champagne all around—earnings that deliver, quite literally, on promises.
For the rest of us? A reminder that in the world of brown trucks and buzzing drones, change arrives not with a knock, but a seismic shift.
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